Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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