I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
