Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
