when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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