my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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