Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
