ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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