If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
