I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
