I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
