moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
