my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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