my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
