i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
