I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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