so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
