God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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