i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
