how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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