Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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