My balls are so social today.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
