Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
