She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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