Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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