Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
