DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i drank out of a bidet.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
