So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
