He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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