If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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