On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
