I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
