when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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