I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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