Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My dick has a subreddit
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
