Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
