I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
