Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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