some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
