I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Randomize
