I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
