You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
