dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
