every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
