Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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