Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I smell like Dick and happiness
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