There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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