between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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