Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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