There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
third nipple confirmed
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
