textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
