I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
