Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm really busy with my period
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