Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
