I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
