The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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