you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
